Your Grief- Not Theirs

Recently I started dating.  This major event in my life has brought up questions about my mother and father.  What would they think of this man?  Would my father be protective?  Would my mother tell me stories of her dating experience?  All of these questions bring pain and despair.  I am encompassed by the reality that they are gone.

When I feel distant from their memories I bring out pictures and videos.  I sit watching and listening trying to make them as real as possible.  But what happens when you dig too deep?  When you try to hard to make them real again?  Reliving their death has become second nature to me.  Telling people that I have lost both of my parents is like telling people how I take my coffee.  I have desensitized myself to it.  Until the unexpected happened. . .

For the past 22 years I have believed that my father died in a plane crash that was caused by mechanical failure.  I found out this month that it was actually pilot error.  It was like being hit in the stomach with a bat.  I was stupefied.  I immediately started having feelings of anger and resentment.  Those pilots killed my father.  It took me two days to be able to start letting go.  I have spent the last 22 years believing something and the change was more than I could take, and all of this started because I went on a date.  There is no rhyme or reason to grief.  You cannot predict it.  You cannot control it.  Just be willing to go through it, however that might happen for you.

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